OK, so I've sorted out who's on which "side" in this family drama and I know that I'm not at "fault". I am getting love from some to counteract the darts from others. I've rationalized why they feel they need to act this way. I've decided not to have any expectations of change, to stop reaching out in order to protect my own emotional health.
So why can't it stop hurting when child A hugs and kisses child B, giving me barely a glance? Their seemingly innocuous comments leave me just as cold and speechless as when their dad spoke similar words. I remind myself a hundred times, a thousand times, that I don't need their approval, that it should be enough that I know inside myself that I've done no wrong, that I'm "allowed" to be sensitive and feel hurt, that I don't need their permission (as in: "why do you take everything so personally? or: "you're so over-emotional", after being told I'm a "bad loser" because I joked with their kid sister that I won't play games with her anymore, since she wins too much.)
I don't know if the hurt inside will ever go away, just as losing a child ch'v doesn't erase them from your memory. I can't even draw on anything positive memories because everything has gone cold inside; the hurt festers, unbeckoned, unwanted.
Will the pain cease if we do manage to build bridges sometime in the distant future? Only time will tell.
No comments:
Post a Comment
I welcome comments, criticism, empathy - they make me feel that someone out there hears me! They will be published after moderation.(no spam, please) Let's all work together to build a more peaceful world.