I had a really vivid dream last night - I almost died. It wasn't a violent death; it seemed to be an unnatural untimely death from some disease. Why I was dying didn't seem to be an issue, didn't concern me. What did concern me was not wanting to distress my young son who was with me at the time. Although a trained nurse who was with me could see all the signs of my imminent demise, when I felt sleep coming on me, I fought it with all my might, for his sake - not for mine.
The nurse couldn't believe that I was still holding on, still living and breathing. And that's how the dream ended.
I felt that this dream must have some hidden message. It was so different than any the other dream I've ever had. It didn't seem to match with any daytime events either.
And then I understood. I am holding on to my sanity by a thin thread. The ongoing abuse - first from my parents, then from my spouse and now from my children - draws my very life-blood from me. The easiest thing in the world at this point would be to give in, to give up, to lie down and just let things run their course.
And yet I keep on struggling, for deep down inside, I know the truth. That I do this as much (if not more) for their sakes, not only for mine. That I do all I can try to help them learn the truth - that abuse of any kind is no good.
If you have never read the book Codependent No More by Melody Beattie, even if you don't read the book, read the introduction with the story of the woman and the guru.
ReplyDeletecould you tell me briefly what you're trying to tell me? if you're referring to my overall relationship with my children as codependency - I feel that it's my mothering instinct coming into play.
DeleteWe're supposed to mother our children, as opposed to our parents or spouse.
No not at all....am referring to the fantastic story in the beginning of the book that you have learned wthout even reading the story. If u get the chance, read it. It will give you tremendous chizuk.
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