The characters in the play

I've finally sorted out the players in my life drama. The oldest have figured things out for themselves and try very hard to stay in the middle, not taking sides at all, yet defending me again the most severe abuse. Those young enough to have been still living at home at the time of our separation have a really good, healthy relationship with me and are even capable of apologies when they step out of line.

They experienced an entirely different mom than the older ones did - one capable of taking charge and setting proper boundaries, not cowering under the weight of constant insults and criticism, with a healthy dash of humor besides. Although saddened beyond words by their rejection, this is the reason I actually understand those that don't know how to respect me - after all, the mom they knew didn't deserve it.

Part of me [the thinking, rational part] says to be happy with what I have - thank G-d I do have children who love and respect me. There are so many out there who don't even have that - some women never even got to be a mom at all. Anyhow, those children who choose to follow in their father's footsteps - it's their choice; it has nothing to do with me, actually. It's simply their way of responding to the rage and confusion that dominated their lives from early on. And really - this attitude has its roots so far back. Throughout the years they were influenced by their father's mockery of me and never accepted my proper place in the family dynamics. I was always pushed to the side, from way way back. Besides, at a certain point when they were teens, I willingly and knowingly relinquished my parental role when tripped up too many times trying to enforce discipline, so what can one even realistically expect of them?

In their experience, they're entirely correct in their attitude. I sold out on their account so long ago. I remember all too well all the times I was too overwhelmed - physically and emotionally - to be really involved with them, satisfied to leave them to their own devices. Yes, I did try so hard to be with them on the important occasions, but it really was much too little.

OK, I'm rationalizing for them in order to lessen the pain. Yes, it hurts in the gut, but I need to accept it and soldier on.