Who's responsible for this whole mess?

Although my head knows that I am truly not responsible for this sad situation, my heart feels awfully guilty for all the mothering I could have/would have done for them when they were smaller, had I only known better. But honestly - I did the best I could with what few tools the One Above saw fit to provide me with on my journey of motherhood. And the children really did turn out quite OK - upstanding, independent citizens of the world - except for this small detail of estrangement.

So I shouldn't feel guilty - but I do.

I need to add to my self-encouragement relaxation mantra:
"G-d is in charge. He and only He is entirely responsible for all outcomes in life. It is somewhat prideful to feel any differently."

And then to realize and accept that this is their own [poor] choice to behave in this manner - whatever I may or may not have done in the past.

Jealousy revisited

Yes, I'm still jealous. A close friend married off her youngest son. They had the merit of raising a truly beautiful family, full of achdut, love, and true yiddishe nachas. The kalla's family even performed together for all who attended. It was a poster-card wedding. What joy!

Yes, I tried the line about - no gashmiyut (materiality) is making another person any happier than I can be with what I have; after all, money can't buy happiness. But - nachas from your children is on the one hand gashmiyut and G-d-given, not to be taken for granted by a longshot and not necessarily a direct result of a parent's best efforts, and yet - I can assure you that it makes one glow with joy and that there's no replacement for it.

so there I was, back at the starting point. still bright green with envy. still trying hard to be happy with my peckele

But on my way home, I saw a handicapped women on the street, in a wheelchair with a breathing tube. And I realized that with all my tzoros, I certainly wouldn't want to trade places with her.