Who's responsible for this whole mess?

Although my head knows that I am truly not responsible for this sad situation, my heart feels awfully guilty for all the mothering I could have/would have done for them when they were smaller, had I only known better. But honestly - I did the best I could with what few tools the One Above saw fit to provide me with on my journey of motherhood. And the children really did turn out quite OK - upstanding, independent citizens of the world - except for this small detail of estrangement.

So I shouldn't feel guilty - but I do.

I need to add to my self-encouragement relaxation mantra:
"G-d is in charge. He and only He is entirely responsible for all outcomes in life. It is somewhat prideful to feel any differently."

And then to realize and accept that this is their own [poor] choice to behave in this manner - whatever I may or may not have done in the past.

Jealousy revisited

Yes, I'm still jealous. A close friend married off her youngest son. They had the merit of raising a truly beautiful family, full of achdut, love, and true yiddishe nachas. The kalla's family even performed together for all who attended. It was a poster-card wedding. What joy!

Yes, I tried the line about - no gashmiyut (materiality) is making another person any happier than I can be with what I have; after all, money can't buy happiness. But - nachas from your children is on the one hand gashmiyut and G-d-given, not to be taken for granted by a longshot and not necessarily a direct result of a parent's best efforts, and yet - I can assure you that it makes one glow with joy and that there's no replacement for it.

so there I was, back at the starting point. still bright green with envy. still trying hard to be happy with my peckele

But on my way home, I saw a handicapped women on the street, in a wheelchair with a breathing tube. And I realized that with all my tzoros, I certainly wouldn't want to trade places with her.

Unmotherhood land

where all of your children "unfriend" you on Facebook
where your child doesn't answer the phone when you call, yet complains that you never initiate contact.
where your children threaten to stop coming to visit, and you breathe a huge sigh of relief.
where you're not invited to your child's graduation
where your child goes overseas and you find out weeks later - "by the way", third hand
where your child undergoes surgery and you find out weeks later - "by the way", third hand

BUT: they still know how to find you when they need your help.

Green with envy

OK, I'll admit it - I've been green with envy ever since I could spell my own name. Not so much for fancy toys or gadgets, but for "normal" happy families, like those of my classmates and school friends. Well, not all of them were picture perfect either, but all seemed better than mine.

Once I was finished with school, I was envious of so many friends who were married and expecting or having children - again, building that picture perfect family that I wanted so badly for myself.

While living in my own family-turned-horribleness, I became envious of divorced women. Now I find myself once again envious of all the picture perfect families surrounding me, involved with all their children's lives - whether married or not - and helping raise their grandchildren in (seeming) bliss.

Then it finally hit me - I know that happiness is acquired, doesn't happen on its own and can't be taken for granted. That means that it doesn't depend on life circumstances, either. Many of those other families that I see aren't really as picture perfect as they seem to be; they too are wrestling with their own serious issues. Those families that truly are brimming with love and respect still aren't truly happy, unless they make it their business to be.

Many happily marrieds still find plenty to complain about in their own lives. Their children married too early or too late. They have too many children or none at all. There is serious illness in the family. The marrieds don't follow the same path in life as their parents. The mother is anxious about any cough or sneeze.
The grocery ran out of their favorite breakfast cereal.

No matter what, one can always find what to gripe about and each one of us has to make the choice of happiness - or not. The fact of my isolation from some of my children needn't grant me the undisputed right to be unhappy. For me, too, this is my choice - or not. I don't have to focus my life perspective on the love I'm not receiving, and if I do, it's my own doing that is causing me to have a miserable existence on that account..

And why would anyone in their right mind make a choice to be miserable??
Now I know this in my mind, but it's not (yet) keeping my envy at bay.

Family?

When we married, I hoped and prayed for a peaceful home filled with a brood of happy, healthy children. Part of my prayers were answered; although our home was far from peaceful, the 2nd part was fully granted.
Little did I know that having children didn't guarantee being considered part of their family.

But I'm at least glad they feel the liberty of abandoning me rather than needing to feel that I've abandoned them.